jambotango

Workin' the Steps: Codependents Anonymous.

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 11:01:51 GMT

A lot has happened since my last entry. I've suffered with severe postpartum depression, wanting to kill myself numerous times and questioning my relationship with Kyle constantly. He hasn't been the father or boyfriend I've wanted him to be. I thought that if I was patient and supportive and understanding enough, he'd become what I've always wanted. Yesterday, I decided that I'm leaving Kyle and moving out of the apartment for good. I'll be getting all of my stuff in the next few days. Admitting this was heart-breaking. It's crushed the dreams I had of Jack's parents together and the fueled the failure I feel as being a single parent, but I think it's my first step in recovery.

I went to my first Codependents Anonymous meeting on Sunday. Our couples counseling therapist had mentioned it and I figured I didn't have anything to lose. It's weird to think of my unhealthy relationships as an addiction, but when I really look at my patterns of behavior, it makes a lot of sense. Ever since I started dating, I always had to have a boyfriend, I never wanted to be alone. Even though I'd end relationships when I realized they were no longer good for me, I'd always be looking for the next boyfriend right away. There was a period of a few months after Listening Ear training where I was really happy being single, but that ended as soon as Domi showed interest in me. Then I was very quick to move to Kyle and for the past two and a half years, I've been desperately trying to make things work, especially because of Jack, all at the expense of my own mental and emotional wellbeing. The first step in the twelve steps program is "We admitted we were powerless over others, that our lives had become unmanageable." and I realize, indeed my life has become unmanageable. I need help and I can't do this on my own. There's peace in accepting that this is out of my control and that I am powerless over my addiction. I hope I can continue to make progress, for the sake of myself and my son.

I'm Officially a Mommy.

Sun, 02 Aug 2009 16:05:32 GMT

Jack is almost three weeks old! These part few weeks have been crazy, but amazing. Jack was born a month early on July 14, 2009 at 2:58am. He was 5 pounds 12 ounces and 19 inches long. Despite being premature, he's done great. He got to leave the hospital when I did and gained his lost birth weight back in three days. He has a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I'm so excited to see how much he weighs now. He's such a good eater. I find myself getting frustrated when he won't stop crying in the middle of the night, but I try to remember that the time flies by so fast and I need to enjoy these moments while they last. Even when it's tough, I love my little boy so much and couldn't be happier than I am right now.

Pregnancy Questions, Why Not?

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 06:44:21 GMT

Well, it's 2 AM and I'm not sleeping because the half hour nap I took this afternoon lasted from 6:30-9:30pm. I felt groggy when I woke up so I thought I'd be able to get to sleep again soon. WRONG! Oh well.

I found this pregnancy survey on a blog I visit frequently and figured it might be fun.

How did you find out you were pregnant? By taking a home pregnancy test, of course. I did have a feeling before that I was pregnant though.

What kind of Pregnancy test did you take? EPT.

How many? 1 twin pack, which is 2 tests. Both were positive.

What were your 1st symptoms? Sore boobs. Hands down.

Who did you tell first? My boyfriend.

Who was with you when you found out? I was alone and was a complete mess after seeing the positive sign.

My 1st reaction: Not good. Crying, shaking, and freaking out. And not in a “I’m excited to be pregnant” kind of way either.

Was your baby planned? Nope. Biggest surprise of my (our) life.

When was the baby conceived? Mid-November, right before I went to Philadelphia. The fact that I could have conceived in Philly kind of freaked Kyle out at first. I think once Kyle sees his little boy, there'll be no doubt in his mind.

How far were you when you found out? 3.5 weeks, even before my missed period. Pregnancy tests have gotten good!

How did your parents react? Super excited. A little nervous, as Kyle and my relationship was a little unstable at that point, but super supportive nonetheless.

My baby

Due Date: August 12, 2009

Do you know the sex? A fabulous little boy

Any names? Jaxen (Jack) James Davis

Any Ultrasounds? One at 6 weeks and another one at 17 weeks (found out the sex). My physician doesn't do routine ultrasounds so I probably won't get anymore unless there's something wrong (fingers crossed).

Have you heard the heart beat? Of course we have! We hear it at every appointment and I never tire of it.

Who do you think it will look like? Since he’s a boy, I think he’ll look a lot like Kyle.

Will the baby have siblings? He’ll have two big "brothers" (our cats).

Have you felt the baby move? Duh. He moves all of the time. Best. Feeling. In. The. World.

Miscellaneous

Did you have morning sickness? Ugh, yes. Awful and made me think that this pregnancy better be worth it. (Of course it was worth it looking back now.)

Did you have any cravings? I’ve basically lived off of cereal, cheetos, eggs, pickles and chocolate creme pies.

Did you have any mood swings? Ha! All of the time. I’ve been a real b!tch at times and I’ll be the first to admit it. I am happy to say that it seems like I haven’t had any bad mood swings lately; I’m seeming a lot more needy and lovey instead. Weird switch for sure.

Are you a high risk pregnancy? Nope.

Any complications? Nope.

Formula or Breastfeeding? I’m going to try to be all about the boob. I know it’s best, so I will definitely try it and hope that it works.

Have you bought anything for the baby yet? Yep. He has just about everything he needs.

When did you start to show? I think around 17 weeks. That was me trying to push my belly out though.

How long could you wear your regular clothes? I started wearing a few maternity things at 13 weeks for the sheer comfort factor. I definitely didn’t have a baby bump that early, but I was bloated and opted for comfort. Best decision.

Will you keep the baby’s clothes? I haven’t thought about this. I guess we will until we are finished having kids.

Home or Hospital? Hospital. I wanted the hospital experience initially, but I think that we’ll go a different route the next time around. I think the calmness and not so hospital-y intervention of the alternative will suit me better.

Natural or Medicated birth? I would like to try natural, but am completely open to the epidural if it's too painful. So basically, I'll be having the epidural.

Who will be in the delivery room with you? My darling boyfriend, unless he passes out.

Do you think you will need a C-section? I sure hope not. I also hope that it all happens when the baby is ready to come out. Not a fan of being induced either.

Will you cry when you hold the baby for the 1st time? Of course I will. I cry at everything and I cannot imagine not crying when I hold my baby in my arms for the first time. I’m looking forward to it for sure!

What’s the 1st thing you might say to the baby? Haven’t thought about this. Maybe “Hi Jack, I’m your mom and I’m glad to meet you.”

Will you let anyone video tape the birth? I would love Kyle to tape it, but we'll see what happens.

Are you excited? While this seems like such a dumb and quite obvious question, yes I am. Now. There was a point when I made a shift to the excitement phase because it wasn’t always there. Well, maybe it was, but the scared feelings outweighed the excited feelings. Now I can say that I am really excited to be a mom, meet my son, see my boyfriend with our son, and have a new addition to our family.

Who will help you with the baby after the birth? My mom will stay with us for however long we need her. Or get sick of each other and I mean that in the nicest way possible.

What is your favorite thing about being pregnant? Feeling the baby move. I love it!

What is the worst thing about being pregnant? Where should I start? Feeling large, morning sickness, peeing all of the time, migraines, lots more hair on my legs, armpits, and belly, pregnancy brain, and I’ll stop there.

What’s one thing you miss doing since being pregnant? Happy hour.

Any days you wish you were not pregnant? Of course not.

Are you ready for a baby? I think so! Ready as we’ll ever be :)

Do you have insurance? Thank God for Medicaid.

How many kids do you want? We’ll see how the first one goes. Ideally I’d like a boy and a girl and am willing to try up to 4 kids to get a girl.

Do you talk to the baby? Eh, not really. I rub "him" and I talk to him occasionally when he's kicking a lot/hard. I have told him I love him a few times.

Do you still feel attractive? I always thought that I would embrace pregnancy and have a glow to me that was apparent to everyone. That seems to be the case most days. I feel very lucky.

Have you had your baby shower yet? Two weeks ago. It was wonderful. Also found out today that the people at the Listening Ear are throwing me another one in two weeks.

Do you like kids? Some kids. In general I think they can be cute, but as a server, I'm definitely aware of kids I would not want to have to parent.

How far along are you now? 34 weeks and counting…

All done! Slightly more tired, maybe I'll try sleep again. Oh, here's a photo of me for those not on Facebook. It was taken about a week ago.

When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Struggle to Hang in There...

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 06:16:08 GMT

So I'm 32 weeks today, eight months along. Only eight more weeks until Jack will come into the world and into our lives (hopefully not much longer than that!). I'm very excited about his arrival; the baby shower was this past weekend and I've started hoarding diapers. At the same time, I worry about what the future will hold and whether or not I'm on the best path for my life.

I started my Anatomy class last Monday and since it's so fast-paced, the first lecture and lab exams were yesterday. After fretting over my answers, I turned in my exams and started crying on my walk back to my car. I knew I did okay but I couldn't get over the questions that I know I missed. I felt like they were such stupid mistakes and if I could get such simple questions wrong, how was I ever going to be able to be a nurse, when making mistakes could cost people their lives? I know I was being really hard on myself, but I feel like this is really important and I need to step it up.

Today, we learned about cranial and facial bones, and there's just so much! It's really overwhelming; each day of lecture, we cover so much more material than the previous day and I feel like it's not going to slow down at all during the semester. I reviewed different parts of the eight types of cranial bones (frontal, parietal(2), occipital, temporal(2), sphenoid, ethmoid) with Kyle tonight, and I guess I've learned a lot, relatively speaking, but it doesn't seem like enough. I started doubting if the nursing pathway is right for me and wondered if I should pursue something different.

Looking back at my emotional reactions today and yesterday, I think my anxiety was coming from fear. Going back to school is a big change for anyone, especially if you're pregnant, and it's scary to make a big change in your life. I have to work really hard in this class and that's something I'm not used to doing. I'm worried I'm going to fail and that makes me not want to even try. This is outside my comfort zone and part of me wants so much to stop challenging myself and go back to what's comfortable. That's no way to grow as a person though, is it? "You only fail if you give up." I need to keep trying, keep pushing myself, because I know I can do it if I try. I may not get it perfect every time, but I can do my best, and my best is still pretty good.

My professor is awesome; she already got both the lab and lecture exams graded. I got a 93% on the lab exam and 97% on the lecture exam, for a total of 95% altogether. Seeing that was encouraging me; it shows that I'm not as incompetent as I thought. Maybe I CAN do this. Yes, the exams are going to get harder, but that just means I have to work harder. I need to do this, both for me and for Jack. I'm investing in our future, to be able to provide for him, give him security. There's no doubt in my mind that he's worth it; the only thing I struggle with is believing that I'M worth it, that I shouldn't give up on myself. It's not always easy, but I know that it's the right thing to do. I can do this, I CAN do this...

Note to Jaxen.

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 17:24:22 GMT

Dear Jaxen,

I love you SO much and I can hardly wait to meet you! I'll try to be patient though. :) Whenever I think about you, I just get so happy. I'm so grateful that you chose me to be your mommy. Before you came along, I wasn't sure where my life was going, but as soon as you came into my life, I knew exactly what my purpose in life was: to be your mommy. Having you in my life is a precious gift and I promise to be the best mommy to you I can be. Honestly, I might not always know the "right" thing to do, but I'll do the very best I can because I love you dearly and only want the best for you. Thank you so much for giving me this chance to be your mommy and I know we'll have a lot of fun and laughs as we go through this crazy life together. I love you, baby boy.
Yours Forever, Mom <3

The Ex-Factor

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 18:59:24 GMT

Everyone in their life deals with having ex boyfriends or girlfriends. No matter how horrible the relationship was or how it ended, they somehow impacted your life. So, this is your time to spill! List your significant others from first to last (and present if you have one!), why you became interested, and how they impacted you. You don't have to say why you broke up if you don't want, since it can be personal! List as few or as many as you feel necessary. Your friends will get to know more about you, and who knows, your ex's may comment on what you said about them!

Michael Marra ~ My first crush. I was infatuated with him for YEARS before I finally got the nerve to ask him out at 16 years old. We dated for a month before I broke up with him. I thought I was going to marry him, but I quickly realized that my fantasy of us together was more romanticized than reality. We just didn't have chemistry and it was awkward to force it. Still, I think the world of him and I'm so happy that he met a great girl with whom he does have chemistry and is engaged to be married. :)

Tom Mott ~ My second boyfriend, for two weeks during the summer before my senior year of high school. He was younger than me, but more experienced and I felt pressured to lose my virginity (not by him but by myself since my bff lost her virginity and I figured it was the time). After trying, I freaked out and immediately broke up with him. I felt bad about hurting him, but it was just too soon and I wasn't ready.

Zachary Dragomirov ~ My first real "I can't live without you, we're going to be together forever" love. I was crazy about him and tried so hard to make our relationship work, even though he didn't treat me well and I was very depressed being with him. I first became interested in Zac after I broke up with Tom and he was dating Betsy Starner, but I didn't pursue him at that time because my loyalty was to my friendship with Betsy. When they broke up, Zac started showing interest in him and I was mezmerized by him. He was like no boy I had ever known, a bad boy, a rebel, he didn't care what anyone thought about him and his confidence appealed to my self-conscious, insecure self. We started dating at the beginning of my senior year and I was head over heels in love with him. I was so happy to be in love, I didn't care what anybody else thought and disregarded my friends and Mom's concerns about his manipulation. When my relationship with Zac increased the intensity of conflict with my Mom, I was given the choice: pick him or my Mom. I picked him. I moved out of my parent's house at 17 years old and got an apartment with Zac. Zac dropped out of high school to work full time while I finished my senior year. At first, I was so in love, I didn't care who I hurt in the process. I put myself entirely in my relationship with Zac and isolated myself from everyone else. This was fine until Zac and I had a fight, he withheld his love from me, and I realized that I was all alone. I was so depressed whenever Zac rejected me and being with him was a rollercoaster of highs and lows. After living together for a year, I decided to move back in with my parents to continue my education and continue a long distance relationship with Zac. My parents continued to disapprove (for obvious reasons) and the conflict continued. For the next year, Zac and I had an on-again, off-again relationship until I finally severed the ties in December 2005.

Steven Black ~ While Zac and I were on a break the summer of 2005, I met Steven on allmsu and was attracted that he was an MSU student, he was a couple years older than I and he seemed nice. We dated for a couple months but I wasn't over Zac yet. In a moment of weakness and desperation, I slept with Zac, thinking that would eliminate my depression. When I told Steven, he flew into a rage and crashed his car. It was a very traumatizing and confusing time, but after I cheated on him, the relationship was over.

Brian Stella ~ Terrified of being alone, I immediately jumped into another relationship with Brian, who I discovered on Facebook through a mutual friend. He was really cute, and so upbeat and positive that he made me feel really good about myself. He treated me like a gentlemen and after being with Zac, it was so nice to be with someone who treated me well. We spent every possible moment together so it just seemed to make sense when we moved in together July 2006. I was very happy until Brian got a job in Saline, MI and moved out in October. We tried to continue a long distance relationship but I was so insecure being alone that I ended up cheating on him with Lucas in December 2006. Brian was devastated and we broke up.

Molly Bigger ~ After Brian moved out, I was so lonely and wanted someone to make me feel okay about myself, but I didn't want to lose Brian. Brian had expressed that he was okay with me dating a girl, so I started seeing Molly. I was completely infatuated with her and was so happy to have someone to fill the void. Brian, Molly and I tried to have a polyamorous relationship, but it didn't really work as I was still spending more time with Brian. Feeling left out, Molly broke up with me and I was heartbroken. Lonely again, I was drawn to Lucas and was grateful for the attention.

Lucas Salazar ~ Lucas and I have had an interesting involvement in each other's lives. When I first met him in January 2005, I wanted to date him, but he chose Emily over me. When Lucas and Emily were in a long distance relationship, Lucas and I started hanging out again and I helped him cheat on Emily in December 2005. They broke up and we didn't really interact too much until I was in a long distance relationship with Brian and I cheated on Brian with him in December 2006. After I broke up with Brian, Lucas decided he wanted to date me, so we dated for about two weeks, until he cheated on me with a friend of mine at a party. I had never been cheated on before and didn't realize how much it hurt. I broke up with him and although I wasn't over him, or Brian, I soon started dating Matt.

Matt Serafin ~ Matt contacted me on Facebook and we quickly started dating. We didn't have a ton of chemistry, but we were both so desperate to be loved that we forced something that wasn't really there. We said we loved each other, but it seemed somewhat awkward. We dated until I went through Listening Ear training, which changed my life. I became more aware and in touch with my inner emotional life and realized how important deep emotional connections are to me. The training further distanced me from Matt and I realized that we didn't really connect.

Domi Oikarinen ~ After I broke up with Matt, it was the first time I didn't jump right in to another relationship. The Listening Ear training empowered me and gave me the confidence to be happily single for the first time since I started dating at 16. I realized how happy I was not relying on a boy to fill that emptiness. It was very healthy for me and I was hesitant to lose that, which made me resistant at first to start dating Domi. However, I realized that I could date him without making myself completely vulnerable. We dated during the summer of 2007 and we had a lot of fun together: we salsa danced, we blew glass, we traveled to Philly and New York. He challenged me to try new things and I am really grateful for that. However, after a few months, I realized that I wanted more emotionally. When I got sick in August right before school started, I realized that I wanted to be in love again and I just didn't see that happening with Domi.

Kyle Davis ~ Kyle. The man who I feel has had the biggest impact on my life and maturation of my self in relationships yet. We've been together(-ish) for over a year and a half and he's the father of my unborn son. We've been through, and grown, so much together. My relationship with Kyle is like nothing I had ever experienced before. We had instant chemistry when we first met at a party and when we met again at another party, I told him (while intoxicated) that I was currently dating someone but would give him a call when we broke up, which I did, haha. Right from the beginning, our relationship was so different from previous ones. For example, when I was with Brian, we never really fought or had a disagreement. For almost a year, we only had positive interactions until I cheated on him. I think was because we couldn't really talk to each other, that I didn't give my whole self to the relationship. With Kyle, we've had disagreements and have fought about a lot of things, because I finally felt safe enough to truly be myself. I finally found someone with whom I can really be myself, express my true feelings, without fear of being rejected or fear that we wouldn't be able to resolve our disagreements. After a year of dating, we discussed living together. I was hesitant, considering I had already lived with two ex-boyfriends and our relationships had failed. I didn't want to go through that again, but I was optimistic that things would be different this time. Unfortunately, living together was negative for Kyle and I. We've realized over the months that we're both independent people and in living together, we felt trapped by each other, suffocated by each other's influence. Feeling trapped bred contempt and we got to a point where we constantly critiquing each other and feeling resentful. I recently realized that this is not a healthy relationship and we both deserve to be happy. After a discussion with Kyle, we decided that we should take a break and I moved out, back in with my parents. It was very painful at first but it has been very good for a relationship. Now, whenever we see each other, we appreciate our time together and no longer have that hostility towards each other. I feel excited each time I see him, much like when we first started dating. Being separated has been so good for us. I think we moved in together too quickly and at this point in our lives, we were not able to maintain appropriate boundaries which caused us to lose our sense of selves while together. This step back has given us the space necessary to rediscover ourselves outside of "us" and to appreciate each other as independent individuals, rather than merely an extension of ourselves. I am so grateful that we had handled this situation so maturely and so lovingly. We do miss each others' company, but I definitely feel we've traded quantity for quality. It's possible we will live together again one day, but for the time being, this is the best thing for us. I feel like I can really be myself again and am becoming more confident in myself every day. Yes, it may be complicated, but I am a lot happier than I've been in a long time. I feel very lucky to have a man in my life so loving, mature, understanding and strong. I'm becoming more amazed by this man every day and I'm so proud to have him as the father of my son. :)

Wow. This was very long, but I feel like it was therapeutic for me. I'm not going to tag anyone because I feel like it's very personal and tagging pressures people, but if anyone reads this, I encourage you to complete this exercise. I think it's helpful to think about where you have been in past relationships to give you insight into where your future relationships are going. It helped me, at least. :)

Quoted For Truth.

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 01:54:46 GMT

I love pie graphs.

It's a Boy! It's a Boy!

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 12:39:52 GMT

I had my second ultrasound yesterday at 17 and a half weeks and when we looked between the legs, we found a penis! It's a boy! It's such a wonderful feeling and relief to finally know what sex our baby is. I can stop bothering with all the dumb old wives tales and start preparing for being the mother of a son. This is so great.

Kyle is really happy too. He came with me to the ultrasound and he looked so proud when we found out. He tried to tell me that he'd be happy if it was a girl, but I knew he really wanted a boy. That's like his whole purpose in life, to be the father that he never had, and I know he's going to be a wonderful father. :)

It's funny though because all the old wives tales were completely off; I will never give merit to any wives tales again. According to most of them, I was going to have a girl. The Chinese birth calendar is supposedly 90% accurate? I call BS!

I felt like I was going to have a girl early on, but more recently, I've been feeling like it was a boy, especially after my dream the night before the ultrasound. A nightmare, actually. I dreamt that my baby was wrapped inside a package, like a birthday present. You could see him moving through the wrapping paper. The doctor then opened the present and placed the baby into my hand. He was five inches (the size he is about right now) and he was covered in a hard exoskeleton. The doctor told me that he was a boy, I gave him back to the doc and I started saying, "it's a boy, it's a boy", floating around the room like I was on cloud nine. While I was in my happy bliss, I didn't notice that the doctor had scissors near my son's genetalia. Before I realized, the doctor snipped his penis off! I was shocked and could barely speak as I told him, "I'm...going to call....the police..." The doctor said, "It's okay, we can just raise him as a girl." My mom suddenly came out of nowhere and said, "Yes, I've heard of that happening before..." I just looked at them both, speechless and feeling helpless. That's when I woke up.

It's interesting because I rarely remember my dreams, especially so vividly and especially a full day afterward. I think the doctor cutting off his penis represents my fear of being unable to protect my son from all the possible harm he may face in the world. I also think my speechlessness in the face of my mother and the professional represent my insecurity that I will know what's best for my child, compared the "experts". I'll admit that I may be weary that I don't have all the answers, but I'm filled with convictions that I will know what's for my son and that Kyle and I will know this little boy better than anyone else. That's very reassuring and empowering.

I don't know why the baby had an exoskeleton; I'm totally lost on that one. Also, in case it's not clear from my subconscious, we will not be circumcising our son. I had never really given circumcision a second thought until Kyle told me about his negative experiences and that he wished that procedure had not been performed on him. I figure, if our son really wants to have it done, he can get it done when he's older and he has informed consent. My goal is to raise our son treating him with dignity and respect and to me, giving him control to do what he wants with his body is a logical extension of that.

It's just so funny how much I already love this little guy. I only want the best for him and I'm already so proud to be his mommy. :)

When Will I Show? Do I Really Want to Show?

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 05:53:27 GMT

I am officially 17 weeks pregnant today and I am not showing yet. Considering I'm almost half way through my pregnancy, logic tells me that I SHOULD be showing by now. It should be a slow and steady gain, rather than a sudden "pop", right? I scour teh internets looking for reassurance and of course, there is plenty to be found. Plenty of other mothers-to-be have tummies that look like mine and mothers who did show early encourage expectant moms to enjoy being small.

There are additional benefits to not showing early, such as less likelihood of stretchmarks and worrying about having circulation problems. Also, good muscle tone tends to hide pregnancy and I also read that boys tend to show earlier (wives tale?). So I guess those are all good things.

Still, there's just something so beautiful about that bump. For a woman, showing is more than just showing; it's a symbol of pride, strength and femininity. It says to the world, yes, I am a woman and yes, I am making a baby with my body. I ache to make that claim.

Oh well. I'm sure my time will come soon enough and then, I'll be wishing to be small enough. The grass is always greener, isn't it?

Baby Names! I Has Them.

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 07:45:19 GMT

Girl:
Carly Paige Davis or
Tori Paige Davis

Boy:
Carl Jack Davis or
Carl Richard Davis

P.S. Venus Spa Breeze is the best razor ever. Worth every penny. :)

I Want to Move to Hawaii.

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 05:44:06 GMT

I'm listening to Hawaiian based music right now and it's SO relaxing. It makes me think of laying in a hammock on the beach with the sun shining, the cool ocean breeze, the waves gently lapping...

I see Kyle laying on a towel, sunning himself...he turns to me and smiles. Our toddler is making a sandcastle, turns with laughing eyes and asks me to help decorate with the seashells he or she collected. Kyle and I look at each other, lovingly, admiring the beautiful person we created together...it's a beautiful sight.

I just want a simple life. All I want is to escape from all the pain and despair of everyday life. I want happiness, joy on my family's face. I want peace.

"You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one"

Trying to Figure Out My Future Schooling.

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 19:10:46 GMT

Thinking about Nursing again. This is so stressful; why does it stress me out so much? I think mostly I'm just afraid of making a mistake. *heavy sigh* Okay, so I decided I would like to take at least one class this summer, to focus on something and feel like I'm making progress. I re-evaluated the LCC program and I would only have to take 5 classes, 17 credits before I could apply to the program, which are BIOL 201, BIOL 202, BIOL 203, PSYC 205 and NURS 200. Having looked at prerequisites, what I think I want to do is this:
Summer 2009: BIOL 201
Fall 2009: BIOL 202, PSYC 205
Spring 2010: BIOL 203, NURS 200
Apply to Nursing program before June 1, 2010
Nursing program September 2010-December 2011

I started filling out the FAFSA today, but it's for the 2009-2010 school year, so it may not cover my summer class. If that's the case, the class would only cost about $300 so that's manageable. Hannah sent me an email describing her perspective on the two programs, but I just can't afford MSU right now without financial aid and I want to get my RN license asap, so I think LCC's the way to go.

Things I need to do:
Attend Sparrow Job Shadow
Meet with LCC Nursing advisor
Fill out FAFSA
Apply for WRC Assistance
Register for BIOL 201

It's not like it's so hard, but it's just overwhelming. Maybe I'll try to see an advisor asap so I can get some help figuring this out.

"If It's a Boy, I Want to Marry You."

Wed, 28 Jan 2009 23:16:39 GMT

Reasons I think we're having a girl:

1. Research shows that moms-to-be carrying boys tend to eat more than moms expecting girls (My appetite hasn't been super crazy).
2. Women pregnant with girls are more forgetful, on average, than those carrying boys (My "pregnancy brain" is in full gear").
3. The Chinese lunar calendar predicts a girl (said to be 90% accurate!).
4. Baby's heart rate: A heart rate above 140 promises a girl, one under 140 delivers a boy (Mine was 160, although studies show no correlation between fetal heart rate and gender).
5. The pencil test indicated that my birth order would be girl, boy, boy, girl (even though it was incorrect in predicting my sister's second son).
6. Older mothers are more likely to have boys according to some recent studies (Only 22!).

That's all I got right now. Hopefully we'll have actual evidence in another month or so! :)

Pregnancy Tales: 11 Weeks

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 20:21:30 GMT

Well I'm 11 weeks along and so far, so good. It's almost the end of the third trimester and with my first throbbing headache last Wednesday, unpredictable mood swings and debilitating fatigue, I'm ready for it. I have a little bit of a baby bump and some of my pants are getting too tight. I think about the baby at least once a day and hopefully I'll know the sex in two months. *crosses fingers*

For the first time in the last couple weeks, I've felt really productive today. I think it has everything to do with the 20oz QD coffee I got; it's amazing what a difference a little caffeine makes. I got up, ate breakfast, showered, got two new tires installed at Discount Tire and ran and folded laundry. After lunch I took a small nap but I think I'll be ready to go get my shift covered either at Applebee's or Listening Ear Wednesday since I was doubled scheduled. Tomorrow all I have to do is get blood tests done and work from 4-VL, so hopefully I'll find something to keep me busy.

Something that really made my day this morning was I got invited to a Superbowl party this Sunday in Ann Arbor by a friend. I realized that with this pregnancy, I've been feeling totally isolated, like I'm some kind of leper or hermit, that I can't do what I used to do, have fun and act like a normal human being. Sure, I can't get wasted playing drinking games, but I can still play with a mocktail and socialize. I don't have to be drunk to have a good time; I just want to be social. So this gives me something to look forward to and I'm excited about it.

Time to eat again, Baby's craving some Coldstone Creamery. :)

Scumbags of the World Unite.

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 15:48:58 GMT

So my parents got a lovely letter from Tammany Hills Apartments, the place I lived at three years ago. It appears that after two years, a $350 balance still remains on the account. I thought this was finished, that Kristen had taken care of it like she said she would, but apparently not. Kristen was my roommate my first year at MSU and although we were never buddy-buddy, I never imagined that she would make me pay for her rent. After harassing her for months with so response, she finally responded bitchy-ly that she didn't owe the money, even though the ledger records showed spotty payment on her half of the rent. She said she'd get it taken care of and I stopped worrying about it. This was two years ago and I thought it was over until now.

Because Tammany Hills wants to close the account too so that they don't have to hassle with bill collectors, they offered me a "one-time offer" of paying only $200 before the end of January with assurance that this will finally be done. As much as I want justice and for Kristen to receive some kind of punishment for her actions, I don't want to jeperdize my credit for her mistakes. So as much as I hate it, I gotta suck it up and pay it. It's not even worth it to take her to small claims court since I don't have a solid case. All I have is, you know, the truth!

This isn't the first time someone screwed me over financially. On the contrary, I'm a seasoned veteran of scams, cons and manipulation. There was Zac's stepdad, the winner who took $20 from his own daughter on her birthday. He conned me to lend him $200, which I never saw again. He also managed to take a cable box that was under my name (I was assured that it was switched over) and rack up $200 of charges on it. Since it was still under my account, I, of course, had to pay it. Then there was the car I bought for Zac for $750. Zac paid me $150 and said he would pay me back the rest later. Then when I questioned him about it, he said that I had gotten it for him as a gift. Really? I don't remember that agreement. Another $600 down the tubes.

How do these assholes get away with this shit? After all my encounters with these scumbags, I still can't understand how people can have such a lack of morality and accountability. How do people get raised to believe that it's alright to take advantage of other people, use them and take their money? It just blows my mind. I guess I'm lucky, to have a family who taught me what it means to be a good person and responsible citizen. Still, that's no excuse for those who didn't have those same opportunities. It may be understandable that a person who is molested as a child grows up to become a perpetrator themselves, but that doesn't make it acceptable.

*sigh* I keep thinking about how this event relates back to my pregnancy. I want to teach my child that the world is a good, safe place. How can I sincerely declare this statement when there's so much evidence to indicate otherwise? I wish I knew.

To BSN or Not to BSN?

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 22:14:42 GMT

Okay, so, I've got three hours left on my eight hour shift at the Listening Ear. Holiday schedules really do suck. Anyhow, I've been trying to decide whether I should pursue Nursing at LCC or MSU. LCC had the advantage initially because I could apply to the Nursing program with less prerequisite courses and could complete it for a LOT less money (only about $5000 total).
However, now I realize that although I would qualify to become a RN with the program, I would obtain a BSN and would have to go through a RN to BSN program, which could take another two years. However, with MSU's accelerated nursing program, I could get a BSN in the same amount of time, which would offer me many more opportunities once I graduate. On the other hand, MSU is going to cost A LOT more money. I haven't figured out how much it will be, but at $450 per credit compared to LCC's $71, it's significant.

But basically, the question comes down to time vs. money. Do I want to obtain my BSN as quickly as possible, and pay extra for it, or do I want to progress more slowly and save thousands? It's a tough call. MSU has a nursing scholarship for single parents, so that might help, but I have no clue how much it would cover. Oh well, I guess it's just something I need to think about. I'm not going to start until after I give birth, so I definitely have time to prepare.

Also, I didn't realize how reasonable to travel to Europe! At travelzoo.com, there's a deal right now to Dublin for four nights with air and meals for $449 per person plus tax from Chicago! Kyle's going to have to get his passport and then we can start saving up. Maybe the dream of backpacking around Europe with a baby on my back isn't so impossible after all...

"Who's Going to Want a Pregnant Lady/Single Mom?"

Thu, 25 Dec 2008 04:11:29 GMT

I can't be with Kyle anymore. He's so negative and disrespectful. I just want a guy who will appreciate, love and respect me. Really, is that asking too much? I have so much love to give to a man...why do I choose the ones who completely disregard my feelings? I feel so dumb.

I should have left him sooner. I didn't because I was afraid how it would be "complicated", moving out and all. Little did I know that it could get far more complicated. Now, he'll always be part of my life, because of the baby. I just feel trapped.

This is awful. I thought it would be a good thing, a chance for Kyle to step up, grow up, be a man. But so far, he's been so inconsistent and unsupportive of me. This isn't how it was supposed to be; I was supposed to have a man who loved and cherished me, who never wanted to see me cry and definitely wouldn't do anything to intentionally facilitate it.

Kyle says things will be different once I have the baby, that seeing the baby will change everything. But isn't that like people who say, "Things will get better once we get married"? That doesn't make any sense. Why would things get easier once things get more complicated and stressful? Why not make an effort to make things better now? Why put off addressing issues until some distant future? I think it's because maybe unconsciously they know not going to happen, they're not willing to put in the effort and it's just a desperate attempt to delay the inevitable.

He's trying to act all noble, saying "I'm not going to give up like you." Well of course you don't want to give up, when I'm the best thing that ever happened to you (self-proclaimed). Why would you want to lose that? But when you say such hurtful things to the one you love and admit that you're not willing to do what I ask when I tell you what I need, how can you expect me to stick around? You can't give up if you never really tried.

I deserve better. Being supported by my family, I realize that I have self-respect and will not allow you to treat me like this anymore. Even though I may not feel like it right now, I know that I am strong and I will get through this. Maybe it's true that no one will want to get involved with a pregnant woman/single mom because it's too much baggage, but I am convinced that I would rather be alone than be with a man who doesn't respect me.

I need to be strong. I need to be a positive role model for my baby. I want to be someone he or she will respect and I hope they'll understand that I only want what's best for them. I need to be strong, not just for myself, but for him or her. It's not just about me anymore, I need to look out for someone else's best interest, someone I'm responsible for, and if I don't take care of myself, I'm not taking care of him or her. He or she is my priority now. I love my baby dearly and I hope I can be strong enough for them.

It's Official.

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 17:12:12 GMT

So I took that pregnancy test I was talking about. And guess what? Positive.

I found this out over Thanksgiving break. A lot has happened since then. I decided to quit my AmeriCorps job because I didn't want to be working full time making $4/hour and being constantly stressed out now that I'm concerned for someone else. I went back to Applebee's and have my first shift there on Thursday. I'm also going to be interviewing with Gateway Community Services soon for a part-time direct care worker position.

I've decided I want to go back to school to become an RN nurse. Since I already have a Bachelor's degree, I'm eligible for the accelerated second-degree nursing program at MSU, which only takes 14 months. I do have to take some prerequisite science courses because my BA doesn't meet those requirements. However, I can take the majority of them at LCC for a lot cheaper than they would cost at MSU. This probably won't happen until after I have my baby, but I want to plan ahead so I can be as prepared as possible.

My baby is about seven weeks pregnant, according to my last cycle start date. He/She has paddles for arms, a tail and is about the size of a blueberry. It's so cool! I have my first prenatal appointment today at 3pm. Three hours from now. I'm a little anxious and excited, if you couldn't tell. I've been SO tired lately and it will be nice to confirm that things are on the right track.

I'm nervous about telling so many people about my pregnancy, putting it on LJ, etc. I'm so afraid I'm going to jinx myself and have a miscarriage. Logically, I know that if I am going to miscarriage, talking about it isn't going to change anything, but still, I'm worried. My cousin's wife got pregnant, put it on Facebook, told everyone, and then she had a miscarriage. I can't even imagine how devastating that would be. I've already fell in love with my little Flipper; I don't want to lose him/her. I know worrying isn't going to change anything. I've been doing everything right and I'm not a high risk pregnancy, so I shouldn't REALLY be worried. Only five more weeks until the chances of miscarriage decrease dramatically, so I just need to be patient. I also think going to the doctor today will help relieve some of my anxiety.

I'm so excited! And next Monday, I'll have my first ultrasound, so I'll be able to actually see my baby. *sigh* It's so awesome. I feel so lucky and blessed. This is a wonderful, beautiful thing.

I Think I May Be Pregnant...

Sat, 29 Nov 2008 04:11:27 GMT

I think I may be pregnant. I've had pregnancy scares before, where my period was a few days late and I started freaking out, thus delaying my period more. But this is different. I've been having cramps the last few days, which is usually a sign that AF is on the way within a day. But it hasn't come. And my cramps today have been really bad, so bad that I've had to take ibuprofen three times because every four hours the pain comes back. Also, I've noticed that my boobs have been bigger the last few days. I figured it was just water retention, but still no period and it just feels different than normal...Kyle and I had sex around the time I was ovulating and didn't use protection, but we've done that before and I didn't get pregnant, so I figured it wouldn't happen this time either. I'm just kind of shocked right now. I don't know if I should go get a pregnancy test, if it's too early. I just don't know what this would mean. Kyle and I are sleeping in different bedrooms, slowing things down a bit. But if I AM pregnant, what will that mean for us? For me? Man, I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight until I know...I might as well head over to Meijer's...

Dispicable.

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 04:20:37 GMT

The typical child sex offender molests an average of 117 children, most of whom do not report the offense.

Somewhere in America, a woman is raped every 2 minutes.

1 in 3 women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime.

Shocking? True.

Why does this happen? Why are vulnerable women, men and children being violated so that they are forever fundamentally changed? To fuck with someone psychologically and emotionally, how can anyone do that to another human being?

It's sickening. I'm disgusted. Anyone who rape another deserves to die. Or in the very least, be castrated. I think that's being generous.

How do we stop these atrocious acts? Awareness. Education. Standing up and being heard. Stop standing up for rapists, doubting victims. IT'S A NOT THE PERSON BEING RAPED'S FAULT! Stop perpetuating this myth.

Why aren't more people angry? Why doesn't anyone seem to care? C'mon people, what's so hard about caring about your fellow man/woman. It's pathetic. We can do better than this.

For A Psychology Major, I'm Pretty Socially Inept.

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 15:03:14 GMT

I missed a good friend's birthday Friday night to get wasted with Kyle and Jess. She called me Saturday to let me know that I really let her down. I made a lot of excuses for myself, such as I didn't want to go to the bar because I'd spend too much money, I didn't want Kyle to feel left out, she didn't really want me there because I wouldn't fit in with her friends and her better friends would be there anyway. But when I really thought about it, I realized that I didn't go to her birthday party out of fear.

I was afraid that she'd let me down as a friend. Ever since coming to MSU, I've had issues with friends. Historically, whenever I would meet someone who could potentially become a friend, I'd get really excited, do everything I could to be a good friend, make myself too vulnerable and then have them decide that they didn't really value the friendship as much as I did, that they were too busy to be bothered with me, or that they preferred other friends' companies much more than mine. At first, I just figured that they weren't worthwhile people and I'd try again. But then it happened again, and again and again. Eventually, any logical person would say, "Okay, it just can't be EVERYONE else...it must be me...I'm a freak...everyone else has friends who value their company...I'm the odd man out because I can't maintain enduring friendships."

And with my friend I initially mentioned, I feel even more inadequate because she's quite popular. She has lots of friends and lots of people often seek her company, so I tell myself, why would she want to waste her time with someone like me? She probably has plenty of people she would want to hang out with, but maybe they're unavailable and I'm a last resort.

Wow. I didn't realize that I thought so poorly of myself. Well, I knew I've struggled with low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy through out my teen years, but I thought I was over it. I realize now that I had just built up walls to protect myself, but I hadn't really addressed the underlying problems.

It's such an odd phenomenon because I'm very proficient when it comes to romantic relationships. I've always been very good at getting boyfriends and keeping them around until I decided I was done with them. I've never even been dumped (by a guy) but simple friendships are much more elusive. Hmm, that seems bass-ackwards from other women my age. It seems like most women have difficulties find good guys interested in long term relationships, but they've got their girls when men let them down. I don't have that. I have my family and the Ear to offer support, but I don't really have "friends" per say. I guess that's something I want to work on. Hopefully I can resolve this feud with my friend because she's a good person and I like her a lot. We'll see what happens.

A Cool Autumn Day.

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 20:31:32 GMT

I have to work at 5pm and I have time to kill. Rediscovered my love of punk music. Bad Religion makes me smile. I also started playing Guitar Hero again. I can't believe that I can still get five stars on Expert...I guess it's like riding a bike.

Interesting musing: I have struggled for years with depression and probably will again in the future, but right now, it seems like so many people are unhappy right now and I am not. Oops, Kyle just came home. To be continued...:)

No Woman No Cry -- Everything's Gonna Be Alright :)

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 19:55:05 GMT

I'm really feeling at peace right now. Getting sick and sleeping in until 3pm tends to do that to me. :) I felt so worried and anxious after I didn't get the DV advocate position, but I'm proud that I used that as an opportunity to get my resume out there. This past week, I had two interviews: one on Monday for a residential substance abuse program technician and then one on Tuesday for an AmeriCorps VISTA position promoting volunteerism software. I felt really good about the AmeriCorps interview; the interviewers were really friendly and it just felt right. They asked for some references, my references gave me really good recommendations and they offered me the position on Friday! The pay's going to be awful, but the position won't start until November, so I figure I can save up some money working at Applebee's this next month. With making $90 last night, it's not something I'm extremely worried about. :) I think it'll be good for me, to take a year to work hard, gain some invaluable skills...my resume's going to be incredible after this year. And at the end, I'll get money for grad school. There are a lot of scholarships too, even a full ride to Princeton! I'm excited to have so many possibilities.

Speaking about possibilities, I reviewed my Jungian personality type today and having lots of possibilities is important for the enthusiastic ENFP, which I am. I also found out that Kyle is an INTJ, which explains a LOT about the way he interacts with the world. And wouldn't you know it? ENFPs and INTJs are one of the best complements for each other in romantic relationships. Isn't that just too perfect or what? :)

God, I am really grateful to have Kyle in my life. We've been together 13 months and I couldn't be happier. Reflecting on past relationships, I realize the main difference in ny relationship with Kyle is that I really feel and know that he loves me and is deeply committed to me. In past relationships, I had no doubt that I genuinely loved my partner and I didn't feel like it was necessarily reciprocal. Exes would tell me that they loved me, but I was skeptical, especially in the fact that I never really felt safe to have arguments and disagreements. I was always afraid that my significant other would leave me if I made them upset so I held back. But with Kyle, I'm not afraid to truly share my entire self with him. I feel supported and loved. I have no doubt that he'll always be there for me. It's so nice to have that comfort and contentment in a relationship. I feel like I'm finally gotten what I always hoped for. :)

Filled With Self-Doubt.

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 20:22:48 GMT

So I just had an interview for a job I really want. I felt so confident that I was qualified when I applied, I talked with the supervisor for an hour and a half, she seemed genuinely impressed by my initiative and she offered me an interview on the spot. I felt so confident and excited leading up to today. But today, I became overcome with dread and worry.

I was so worried about wearing the right thing, how I would be perceived. I tried to just be myself, so I wore a business casual outfit that I felt comfortable in instead of a suit. I felt pretty good but I was so nervous during the interview. I tried to be comfortable, relaxed, friendly, outgoing and not let them know how really uncomfortable I was. I chatted with the secretary, being sociable until the next applicant came in. She was dressed in a suit and seemed so professional, I felt instantly self-conscious and critical of my business casual choice.

Now I'm overanalyzing everything about the interview. I know it went pretty well (the interviewers responded "Good answer!" to a couple of my answers) and I know there is nothing I can do about it now, but this is really important to me; it's something that I really want to do and can't let go of that. At the same time, I feel so inadequate, that I won't be qualified to handle a domestic violence situation when it's in my face. After the verbal interview, I was given a written portion of the interview where I had to answer "what would you do?" to a hypothetical situation. I literally sat there and looked at the piece of paper for several minutes. I realized that I had no clue what I would do...maybe I'm not as qualified as I had thought. I know that I would have an extensive training period and they don't expect me to know everything right now, but still, I'm so overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy.

It doesn't help that my hormones are going crazy right now and I feel like I'm going to freak out. I have a meeting with DHS on Thursday and I have to get all this paperwork together which is worrying me too. I couldn't find my electric bill from this past month and I think I might have accidentally thrown it out after I paid it last week, which makes me feel stupid and anxious about how I will provide all my information.

*sigh* I KNOW I'm being too hard on myself and I just need to relax, but I feel like I can't. Maybe I need to take a Xanax or something. I hate that I can't just think myself out of this right now. I hate that when I get under just a little bit of stress, I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown. I feel so weak. I know that I'm not, but it's so hard to weather the storm. *deep breath* This too will pass, this too will pass, this too will pass...

A Bird in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush?

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 18:39:29 GMT

Is it better to stick with something you already have, rather than pursuing something you may never get? I'm not sure, but it feels like a pressing question relevant to my life right now. I had an interview with Americorps and the American Red Cross yesterday. It went pretty well and I feel fairly confident that I could get the position if I decided to pursue it. The only problem is, I have this feeling that if I did accept the position, I would hate every day I went to my job. The way my interviewers described the job I would be doing, it seems like it would cause me a lot more stress than the fulfillment I would get out of it. This position would have a lot of benefits; even though the pay isn't very much, I would gain valuable experience and get a large educational reward for grad school after I complete the 10.5 month commitment.

My mom says I should follow my instincts, but it would be a guaranteed job. What if I can't find anything else? What if I'm stuck working at Applebee's for the next year or so? I can't help but worry about the "what if"s. What if this is my only opportunity at something relevant to my degree? If so, I'd feel foolish to pass up an opportunity. I just don't know; I still feel like I'm on the fence and I have to make a decision soon. I just wish I knew what is the "right" thing to do.